1.08.2025

Bitter Pill

  I was so desperate when autumn rolled in; it felt like my body was being filled with lead. I couldn't get up, I couldn't do anything. I really mean it when I say the fatigue was so debilitating that walking into the next room was like trudging through quicksand. The thought of getting up was an unfeasable task. I also started having anxiety again, waking up breathless and feeling like my heart could explode. I remember there was a period when I completely forgot what that felt like.

  When things failed to get better, I had to make an appointment. I was avoiding a visit and crossing my fingers that I'd somehow never run out of prescription refills. I've been reintroduced to antipsychotics. I used to loath the cocktail that I'm currently on when it was first attempted years ago. I despised it so much that I stopped taking medication entirely, resulting in my swift downfall. Nobody likes you off meds, trust what I'm telling you. No matter how high your confidence inflates, I can assure you that all your worst qualities will inflate too. 

  I do wish sometimes that I could really stop. I like to envision myself improving my mental wellness with the things everyone without a degree told me to do: go into nature, journal your feelings, repeat affirmations throughout the day, call a friend ... You know, the most innovative and groundbreaking suggestions. Cut to me dropping to my knees and exclaiming, "Is that all it took this whole time!?"